Its been a while since I have posted. It’s not so much that there’s a shortage of ideas more that right now I am caught in a morass of anxiety inducing decision-making the deliberation of which will decide the quality of my survival in the immediate future not to mention much further down the line. I used to pride myself on my decision-making skills but I have never felt so swamped. To follow various options is like untangling multiple balls of (very tangled) wool. Fun for kittens maybe but not so much for a moggy like me.
I tell myself…and others tell me…to stop thinking but in fact in the last few weeks thinking has uncovered all sorts of possibilities and outcomes that I needed to be aware of and so the thinking has its place. Day by day my options change and my mind is in constant flux. There will come a time when the thinking (and the research and the questions and the talking) will stop and the all the elements will be drawn together along the lines of reason or feeling or both and the the past will be tied off like the mouth of a draw string purse.
These days are threaded together by the midsummer roads that I drive along in a variety of emotional states. Striped with purple shadow they seem to echo my inner journey. Now in darkness, now in light as silhouettes of back-lit trees flicker by. Racing through the cool shadows I catch a glimpse of a shining wall or clump of grass, all golden in the light, perched on a ditch as if about to leap and the sun bursts in on me for a minute or two and then I am back in the dark again, the brightness a memory.
Up ahead on the horizon the clouds continue to boil and build, their towering presence seeming to dominating the sky until you remember how ephemeral they really are as they rise and fall at the mercy of the winds and the currents that swirl about the implacable sky, so far away, so unreachable.