BREAKING NEWS:WEATHER VIRUS SPREADS

ACTUAL CLOUDS

 Actual clouds in the sky. Some readers may find this photograph upsetting.

The current wave of weather sensitivity has taken on a whole new twist as riots have broken out in the Tramore area following the latest death from the highly contagious virus. Yet another victim of the “weather”has been found dead at her home this morning.

RIOTS AT WESTOWN

It is believed the deceased died when she saw actual clouds in the sky as she peered out her window. The victim was a spinster of the parish of Tramore of unknown age but people on the scene said she left an extraordinarily beautiful corpse and could pass for a 25 year old. She had no cats.

She is believed to have contracted the virus, currently rampant in Ireland, that makes people peculiarly sensitive to the occurrence of actual weather.

Earlier this morning crowds began to gather at the Westown home of this latest victim of the illness.  Fighting broke out as local men tried to gain access to kiss the alabaster skin of the victim and stroke her firm youthful body. Police have been called in and the premises have been barricaded. Many in the crowd were visibly distraught. One local man wailed “Why did we not appreciate her when she was alive!!Damn those clouds, damn them!!”Attempts are being made to break up the crowd as there are fears that the weather contagion may begin to take on epidemic proportions.

SCENES FROM INSIDE THE VICTIMS HOUSE

There are suggestions that this incident could have far reaching effects. Scientists are already saying that the birth rate in the area will drop to near zero in the coming years as local men lose all interest in copulation.

“We could see this area become a wasteland in future years as the older generation die out leaving no offspring. This could be worse than the famine!”

Local government, already stretched to the limit from recent weather virus deaths are calling for International aid.

MORTENSEN:BESIDE HIMSELF

Tributes are pouring for this Westown Girl. Viggo Mortensen is said to be beside himself with grief while Idris Elba has tried to take his own life three times since 9:45 this morning.

ELBA:HOSPITALIZED

The government are considering their options and people are being asked to obey a strict curfew. There has been a order issued to local wives to stop sulking or suffer the consequences.

The government has advised that anyone who believes that may have contracted the disease to stay in doors with their curtains drawn and stop annoying everyone for an indefinite period. Ministers are considering declaring a country wide state of emergency until such time as they can guarantee constant sunshine interspersed by bouts of heavy snow.

Opposition ministers object vigorously to such a clamp down.

Minister O’Hooley shadow environment minister blames Desperate Housewives, the TV show not the female spouses of the nation.

“Its the TeeVee dats the problem here” said O’Hooley, “since dey started watched de TeeVee they all want to be living in either fucking Hollywood or in a documentary about penguins. Well dey should just fuck off to Hollywood or Antarctica,” says O’Hooley, “or turn off their fucking TeeVees and do something useful.



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